Mid-Life Lessons Learned from a Year Abroad

One year ago we left for Japan.

I vividly remember the excitement and the anticipation as my family occupied the middle row of our international flight. Paul and I were on each aisle seat in the hopes the kids would find a way to sleep in the space in between. In reality, the boys’ excitement was directed at the personal TV in front of them. They knew the flight to Japan meant 14 hours of uninterrupted TV time and they were psyched. And honestly, we were excited for that too. We had made a year’s worth of micro-decisions in a month, from what to pack in our eight allotted suitcases to what to do with our mail and cell phones. We had 14 hours to turn off our brains before a tsunami of new decisions awaited us. But mostly, as the wheels left the ground we were flying into a measured unknown, an adventure we felt to the core would be better for all of us than not. We felt only upside, particularly at this juncture approaching mid-life. We emerged into the clouds and the dream began.

I call it a dream because now, having been home for just over a month, it feels all but a dream. Settled back into our house, surrounded by our closest family and neighbors again, the year passed in a blink of an eye. And in that blink, even without COVID, it was a year filled with a beginner’s mind and a whole lot of growth. Like waking up from a dream, what felt so vivid and real is becoming a bit blurry. So I write this in an effort to try and remember the insights gleaned while the memory is still fresh.

Some lessons from the year include:

1. Simplicity allows for serendipity. Less planning, less stuff and less busyness boosted our happiness. (All pre-COVID by the way.)
2. Curiosity will keep me young, at least in mind.
3. Self-awareness will keep me sane.
4. Being present, especially with my family, is the new most valuable currency in my life.
5. Comparison is the killer of joy, or as my dear friend puts it, ‘Compare and despair’.
6. The answer to, “What do you want to be known for?” helped big decisions fall into place.
7. Community makes life so much sweeter. (Thank you friends in Japan, and thank you Maplewood!)
8. Peace of mind, or lack of it, will follow where you go.

I am still reflecting on the above — in my mind I’d like a nice little neat top 10 list. But for now, I’ll just focus on my 8th; peace of mind, or lack of it, will follow where you go.

When I pictured our year in Japan, I must admit I pictured it free of adult angst. Was this completely unrealistic? Yes. The idea came from the fact that we were seemingly shelving a lot of adult responsibilities for the year; two working parents and the resulting hustle that becomes the morning and evening routines, homeownership and house maintenance …

What I learned is that with a blank slate, questions, curiosity, joy and yes, even angst, can be amplified. With a blank slate, my partner and I thought hard about the choices in front of us — do we build a life in Japan more permanently, switch careers, grow our family — everything felt like it was on the table. Somewhere it feels like we are living these parallel lives we dreamed up. As we discussed all the permutations, it was also clear that you can travel far and wide, but your mind stays with you — your mind follows wherever you go.

I’ve thought a lot about what environments and behaviors are more amenable to more peace and less angst of the mind. The two themes that emerge for me are:

1. the habits that help my natural positive state stay positive
2. better understanding my relationship to ambition

The first feels a bit easier to manage; on the scale of positivity I normally find myself on one clear end of the spectrum. That can slip if I forget the basics; good sleep, good diet, move the body and get enough quiet time — even for ‘ole extroverted me. These basics can be quick to slip when busyness — or a global pandemic — get in the way. But without positivity, everything falls apart.

As for the second, I am still wrestling with my relationship to ambition. What does it mean to be a woman in a generation where women are striving to ‘have it all’? What is ‘all’ to me?

A year in Japan showed me that my ‘all’ was centered too much around society’s definition of career success rather than a uniquely-Debbie definition of life success. Pursuing my coaching certification provided a space for me to better see this. My perspective is now reframed — — rather than thinking about a woman trying to ‘have it all’, I feel like the woman opting for what she wants. We’ll see how this newfound confidence fares as we settle back into the NYC ecosystem, but I remain positive.

Many people have asked if I am disappointed that our adventure was ‘cut short’ by COVID. Quite the opposite. COVID changed the trajectory of our adventure and how we spent our time, but it also accelerated learning we may have otherwise missed. And while we knew a complete change in our environment would allow us to reflect upon our habits and lifestyle, we certainly didn’t anticipate that a global pandemic would shake up everyone else’s normal and allow for a similar opportunity. We return to family and friends who, in their own way, have evaluated what ‘all’ means to them and seem better for it.

A move to the other side of the world allowed us to reflect on what we valued and whether our lives and lifestyle aligned with those values. I am now grateful to bring these lessons home.